Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
