Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize