hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sext me about skeletons
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
