i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
