Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
And then my night got REAL pukey
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
