I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
