i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize