I didn't shave. On purpose
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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