You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
