Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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