If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
