hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
