Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
