I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
