Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
