oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
