thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Randomize
