I could have mohawked her pubes.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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