my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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