What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize