I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
