he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
