Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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