Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
