I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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