I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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