I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
