So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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