Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My penis needs a shock collar
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
