Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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