I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
