i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
