my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
