So drunk its hurt
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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