You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
