I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
