Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
