I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
