i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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