in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
