The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
