u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
