You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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