Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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