Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We had to coat check the pizza.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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