I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
