I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize