'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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