I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
