I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
