Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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