Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
