I looked at my own cervix.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
