God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
