I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
