Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I look better un-naked...
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
