She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
