It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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