Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
