I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
