My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
