Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
