Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize