the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
