2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
