need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
