dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
