I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
