Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
