Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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