My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
