She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
