I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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